"You know... it's not even that, I was... I was fine until I read your fucking book! It stirred shit up, you know.  It reminded me how... genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things and... now it's like... I don't believe in anything that relates to love, I don't feel things for people anymore.  In a way...I put all my romanticism into that one night and I was never able to feel all this again.  Like... somehow this night took things away from me."

-- Celine, Before Sunset.

I remember my sister asking me sometime ago to write an entry about her in this blog.

I'm giving in.

*devilish grin*

I call this...

PRICELESS

Me:  Tara, matulog na lang tayo.  Wala namang magawa eh.

Loi:  Ayokong matulog nang maaga.

Me:  Eh, bakit dati, natutulog ka naman nang maaga.

Loi:  Dati yun, kasi magaganda pa mga panaginip ko.  Ngayon kasi, ano na kasi siya... ah, ano ba yun?  Surreal ba yun?  Ahh!  Para na siyang friction!

Me:  (falls off chair laughing)

Loi:  Bakit?  Oh, oh.  Sorry.  Mali pala.  Nonfriction pala.

I sooo love my sister.  Hehe. Ui, to be fair, I have my moments din (magkapatid kami, eh).  But since this is my blog, I won't post them here... yet.

It came to a point where I could consume almost a pack of cigarettes (20 pieces) in just one day.

Now I'm cutting it down to two sticks.

Gad.  I haven't even started quitting yet and here I am already experiencing those withdrawal symptoms.

- crankiness

- depression

- uber increase in food cravings

But I'm holding on to this. I really am.

I guess my most astig moment so far (I've been cutting down for two weeks now) was my cousin's birthday bash.  I already had my two sticks for that day, and I was able to make it stay that way until the inuman session was over. Happy.

I dunno.  Maybe this ain't news for you, but it is for me.  It really is.  For the past five years of being a yosi addict, I've already resigned to the idea of dying with lung cancer.  Guess I always thought that I just didn't have the discipline to quit.

Basta.  Basta.

Two sticks for a month.  One stick for another.  Then hopefully after two months, quit. *crosses fingers*

For the people I love.

If there are people I've been avoiding lately, it's with valid reasons.

That's all I can say.

Sa pagsasalarawan ng iyong kahubaran,

Tahimik kitang pinakinggan

Habang dahan-dahang tinatanggal

Ang 'yong natitirang saplot sa katawan.

After rereading the letters for the nth time...

I still feel...

that all-too-familiar ache.

Damn, it's making five years seem like five minutes.

===

Shet. Moda. Moda. Moda na naman ito.

Rustom's "coming out" on PBB was a hot topic at the shop while I was doing all my paperwork which served as the inspiration on today's entry. Aside from doing it on nationwide TV, here are other

WAYS TO TELL YOUR PARENTS YOU'RE GAY!

• "Ma. Pa. Bakla po ako. Joke, joke, joke!"
• "Mom. Dad. You didn't lose a son. You gained a daughter!"
• "Mommy, diba nung nagbuntis ka sa akin ang laki-laki ng tiyan mo parang kambal. Ma, tama kayo. Na-trapped po ata yung baby girl sa aken!"
• Pin your dad to the wall and say, "Dad, bakla po ako. Okay lang?" in your most macho voice.
• "Bad news, bagsak po ako sa entrance exams ng La Salle at Ateneo. Pero don't worry, pasado naman po ako sa St. Paul!"
• "Tay, minsan sabi mo pag naging bakla ako itatakwil mo 'ko. Tapos sabi mo 'pag naging babae ako at di mo 'ko anak, liligawan mo ako. Tay, pwede na!"
• "Pa, nagpatattoo na po ako..ng kilay!"
• "Dad, nagpatattoo na po ako..eto, o, Hello Kitty! Aihihi!"
• "Tay. Nay. Napaaway po ako sa mga tambay sa may kanto. Ang yayabang kasi. Sinabihan ba naman akong ang panget daw ng eyeshadow ko!"
• Bring a friend and introduce him to your parents. "Mom, Dad, si Ding. Ding ang bato,dali..Darnaa!"
• Sing your mother a song. Look straight to the mirror and sing, "Who is that girl I see looking straight back at me? Why does my reflection show who I am inside?"
• "Mommy, aaminin kong bading ako...kung aamin din si Daddy!"

Hmm. Among other things, I miss doing this: staying late on a weekend, facing the computer, surfing the net till crazy. And I get to change my layout. Yey! Thanks to lovable Ghe for giving me hassle-free tips.

Anyway… Just finished sending the QA Guidelines and Batch QA Report to Ms. Anna.  Another Yey! there.  Actually, it's more of a whew! really.  Kasumpa-sumpa ang dial-up, I swear.

What else? Argh. I've just realized I haven't had a decent post since God knows when.

For that, some news! news! here.

1. Just got promoted last February! *cartwheels*  From Scopist to QA Associate in six months.  Not bad.  Just that... well, higher salary, bigger responsibility, more wrinkles to my already aging face.  Hah.

2. Had the chance to talk with Neng and Stacey.  Happy.  Got to sort out old issues with them.  God, I've never expected to be that cared for.  And I've wasted so many months keeping distance.  All I can say now is... I'm really sorry for not doing anything about it and doing anything about us.

3. Our batch just got regularized (Lack of a better term, sorry. Hehe. Imagine people wincing while reading this...) last February.  Sad thing it's just six, seven of us survivors from the original 30-something Batch 1.  And I thought we would all grow old together... *sigh*

4.  Going to miss Live Aids... again.  Ahuhuhu.  Think it's their first time to perform outside UP.  Shet.  Sayang.  But need to tighten budget nowadays since I'm supporting more than four people now.  Kaya less gimmick muna ako ngayon, Kate, Ice.  *sniff*

5.  Love life's still nonexistent.  Got Mesay giggling last week after bursting my infamous "Haay, mukhang tatandang dalaga ata ako nito" line.  Potential love's history, unsurprisingly.  Just can't believe it lasted that long. Remember Jaycee asking the question, "Bakit hindi mo nakikitang magiging kayo?" one coffee night. Shrugging, I answered simply, "Dahil torpe siya't hindi naman ako marunong magmahal."  Julie, with shock on her face, half-screamed, "Bakla, 'wag kang ganyan.  Tinatamaan ako."  (Namench. Apir tayo dyan, mare.  Hehe. )  So for those people who keep teasing me, mercilessly at that, here's what I have to say:  Ituloy n'yo lang. Sadly nga lang, wala na siyang epekto. Ow hwell...

6.  I'm having this negative aura these days.  Terry's observant/praning (Peace tayo, mare. ) enough to notice.  I'm not exactly sure where it's all coming from, though.

7.  Batch 3 just joined us on the production floor last Wednesday.  Not just sure about making friends yet.  As usual, it's my attachment issues.  Malungkot kasi ang biglang may umaalis at ikaw ang naiiwan...

8.  There's this one friendship that's going down the drain, and I couldn't care less.  Sorry but I really can't tolerate what you're doing, pare.  It just sucks big time.

Wrong move, buddy.

You lose.